The Long Dark Night....
Aug. 13th, 2003 09:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dwivianI read the letter with the draft report several times. I was very upset, not because of the lack of affirmation and movement towards my career change, but for the tone of the report. Intentionally or not it was written using perjorative terms quite a bit. The points being made were interesting, but always the negative tone made them feel like rocks ripping my soul.
The letter boiled down, after significant conversation with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
elfgirl, to "dwivian has some problems with communication" and "dwivian does not appear to do, or want to do, the things we expect of a candidate."
Both are valid concerns. I have trouble speaking from time to time, so I rehearse what I'm going to say, how I'd respond, and otherwise react to just about every possibility, to be sure of how it will sound when it finally is necessary. The result? I sound reasonable most of the time (well, discounting personal philosophy and political leaning, of course), but if you bring a direction to your conversation I don't expect, I won't handle it well. Sometimes I'll go ahead and stutter through it, if I like you and trust the situation. Most of the time, though, I try to redirect to what I *DO* know, or I avoid things.
This is not acceptable to a discernment committee, of course, so I spent quite a while in preparation for each thing I considered a likely line of questioning. A LOT of time. And, they softballed me a few times, which I didn't expect, then went in a direction totally out of my preparation. And, I choked. I futzed rather than stutter. And, they had more and more trouble over the months of this. A large portion of their points were misunderstandings, as a result. I would direct my answer to a perceived question rather than what was asked. And, when they DID as a question I was prepared for, I had so over-prepared that I gave a thesis answer instead of being brief and sensible.
And, this brings me to the second concern -- I could tell that some weren't quite so happy with my answers, when I gave them. Not only because of their length, but because of their content. I didn't seem to be conservative enough in my theology, or expressive enough of my calling, and with my dedication to getting my degree, I didn't appear as much like a minister as a student, and that wasn't good.
Part of the problem is that my church is a mission church; that is, it is a special style of worship that is unique to the region (diocese). So their neighborhood is really "North Georgia" instead of "Midtown/VaHighland", and they can't develop solid programs of charity for their local needy. Also, you can't easily just drop by the church unless you live there, and many of the congregants don't. It makes working for the church harder. As well, many of the things I'd want to do are specifically reserved to the priests by tradition of that style of worship, even though the rest of the churches in our region allow for the non-clergy (laity) to take those roles. As a result it isn't easy to find a sense of community in which to be charitable in an approved way.
Local churches, more program oriented, see my church as a black sheep parish, and thus it is hard to gain access to opportunities there, either. With some pressure I could find my way through it, but it isn't right to pressure my way into service, is it? So, I just don't get to do what I want, and I got called for not doing more. AIIIGH!
It may be necessary for me to change parishes, so I can have better access to the things I want to do, and so that I can speak with new priests about how to listen and not be so worried about how I sound. Problem is, the black sheep parish is really geek friendly, while many of the churches up here are mainly social clubs that mention God to get a tax break. So, we fit in there better than here, but I can't do what I need there.
So, I'm working on where I need to go, what I need to do, to be involved. I'm out of college, so I have more time I can offer. I may start attending local Mass on Monday morning, and doing things during the week like Educational Foundations for Ministry with direction towards opportunities the local church has. And, Mass on Sunday at my current church so we feel the same sense of fellowship with which we are comfortable.
As to my theology.... well, I'm who I am, and who I'm directed to be. Maybe my next committee will see that, and be more comfortable. I'm liberal to them, but conservative to the local churches. I hope I end up on the right path when I try again.
I was asked what one thing I'd like to change about myself. I almost was flip and said "I'd already be a priest!" Next time, I think I'll say what I ask in my daily prayer -- Wisdom to discern my path. That's what I need more than anything else. Second? The ability to be comfortable with myself enough to not worry about how I look or sound. Relaxing would help a lot, I think.
And, if I get those two things worked out, the rest will fall into place. I'll find my place in His time, and I'll be fine.
Which is a damned sight better than I felt last week.
The letter boiled down, after significant conversation with
elfgirl, to "dwivian has some problems with communication" and "dwivian does not appear to do, or want to do, the things we expect of a candidate."Both are valid concerns. I have trouble speaking from time to time, so I rehearse what I'm going to say, how I'd respond, and otherwise react to just about every possibility, to be sure of how it will sound when it finally is necessary. The result? I sound reasonable most of the time (well, discounting personal philosophy and political leaning, of course), but if you bring a direction to your conversation I don't expect, I won't handle it well. Sometimes I'll go ahead and stutter through it, if I like you and trust the situation. Most of the time, though, I try to redirect to what I *DO* know, or I avoid things.
This is not acceptable to a discernment committee, of course, so I spent quite a while in preparation for each thing I considered a likely line of questioning. A LOT of time. And, they softballed me a few times, which I didn't expect, then went in a direction totally out of my preparation. And, I choked. I futzed rather than stutter. And, they had more and more trouble over the months of this. A large portion of their points were misunderstandings, as a result. I would direct my answer to a perceived question rather than what was asked. And, when they DID as a question I was prepared for, I had so over-prepared that I gave a thesis answer instead of being brief and sensible.
And, this brings me to the second concern -- I could tell that some weren't quite so happy with my answers, when I gave them. Not only because of their length, but because of their content. I didn't seem to be conservative enough in my theology, or expressive enough of my calling, and with my dedication to getting my degree, I didn't appear as much like a minister as a student, and that wasn't good.
Part of the problem is that my church is a mission church; that is, it is a special style of worship that is unique to the region (diocese). So their neighborhood is really "North Georgia" instead of "Midtown/VaHighland", and they can't develop solid programs of charity for their local needy. Also, you can't easily just drop by the church unless you live there, and many of the congregants don't. It makes working for the church harder. As well, many of the things I'd want to do are specifically reserved to the priests by tradition of that style of worship, even though the rest of the churches in our region allow for the non-clergy (laity) to take those roles. As a result it isn't easy to find a sense of community in which to be charitable in an approved way.
Local churches, more program oriented, see my church as a black sheep parish, and thus it is hard to gain access to opportunities there, either. With some pressure I could find my way through it, but it isn't right to pressure my way into service, is it? So, I just don't get to do what I want, and I got called for not doing more. AIIIGH!
It may be necessary for me to change parishes, so I can have better access to the things I want to do, and so that I can speak with new priests about how to listen and not be so worried about how I sound. Problem is, the black sheep parish is really geek friendly, while many of the churches up here are mainly social clubs that mention God to get a tax break. So, we fit in there better than here, but I can't do what I need there.
So, I'm working on where I need to go, what I need to do, to be involved. I'm out of college, so I have more time I can offer. I may start attending local Mass on Monday morning, and doing things during the week like Educational Foundations for Ministry with direction towards opportunities the local church has. And, Mass on Sunday at my current church so we feel the same sense of fellowship with which we are comfortable.
As to my theology.... well, I'm who I am, and who I'm directed to be. Maybe my next committee will see that, and be more comfortable. I'm liberal to them, but conservative to the local churches. I hope I end up on the right path when I try again.
I was asked what one thing I'd like to change about myself. I almost was flip and said "I'd already be a priest!" Next time, I think I'll say what I ask in my daily prayer -- Wisdom to discern my path. That's what I need more than anything else. Second? The ability to be comfortable with myself enough to not worry about how I look or sound. Relaxing would help a lot, I think.
And, if I get those two things worked out, the rest will fall into place. I'll find my place in His time, and I'll be fine.
Which is a damned sight better than I felt last week.
