ugh.

I'm awake, because I'm an idiot.

Got stung last night, used the epi-pen, have a nasty mark on my leg where I dug out the poison, and otherwise felt hyper up until about 10:45, at which point I started crashing hard. Now, I feel like crap, and am awake, only because I'm an idiot. Sick days are good, you know? *sigh*

..............

I said I would abide by their decision.

I have been on needles the whole time while waiting.

I got my copy of their recommendation.

My calling is on hold, because I don't appear to be ready.

I disagree with many of their points. Some are valid. Some are easily explained away. And the tone of the whole letter is confrontational in a way I wasn't expecting.

I've known of my calling for years, but pushed it aside, because I didn't want the harder life. I was selfish, but finally grew up and accepted where I was going, only to watch it disappear like an illusion. Now, I wonder if I was actually being called, or has something else been directing me since I was 14? I'm lost, and that much is painful enough.

But, I said I would abide by their decision, and that's what I am going to do. If I need more time, I'll take that time. I just thought I had done enough delaying on my own.....