dwivian | Apr. 27th, 2007

big questions I've been meaning to answer.....

1) When am I most naturally myself? What people, place, and activities allow me to feel most fully myself?

I am not sure I am ever really "myself". That is, I am always "on" so that I can work in the roles I feel called to perform. Now that could be who I am, in that functional versus existential presence, but I have this feeling that I'm really something underneath these roles, too.

In recent memory, I have felt most UNLIKE I was in a role, two times. Each had the impact of being with someone I love deeply, in a situation in which I could not comfortably pick some role to present because of conflicts between available opportunities or no role matching the needs of the situation. So, I just shut down, in a sense. I can't say that I was relaxed in the slightest, but I was definately not attempting to match myself to a demand. I suppose that was the most *ME* I was likely to be, since my roles are mostly environment driven, and not from some internal specification (beyond that of alignment with opportunity).

2) What is one thing I could stop doing, or start doing, to improve the quality of my life?

ONE thing? Wow.... Exercise, I suppose. I've not had many chances to keep my body strong and fit since I wrenched my hip, without taking lots of extra time away from other things I was doing. Now that most conflicts are gone, I should be able to work to divest myself of two college degrees worth of sedentary lifestyle. Some of you may not know, but when I left college first in 1991 I weighed 103 lbs. I now weigh 197 (down from a peak of 205), and am working to bring myself back to 170 or so. This is hard to do as a foodie, so I have to exercise off all that cream sauce....

3) What is my greatest talent?

Seeing big pictures. I can pull back and see both sides of just about every situation, which helps me find the reality behind decisions I need to make. It has also driven me to look for truth, since any given view of the world is colored by the tightness of the view and the experiences of the viewer. As a result of my awareness of "truth", I'm always willing to be convinced of your side of any argument, so long as you are willing to be pressured to explain, with more than opinion, your view. This surprises people, and I have been called wishy-washy for not taking strong stands on issues others see as critical. But, when you're looking at big pictures, it's hard to get vested in details. I am always willing to add to my base of knowledge so I can align with truth, but sometimes I have to admit that I can't understand a situation or event because my experiential basis is completely different from others.

In a comment thread, someone took me to task for not feeling the way they do about a politician. I replied that I didn't see the situation as they did. They, rather derisively, said that if I had *ALL* the facts like they did, I would be in total agreement with them. I replied that it was nice to know God had a LiveJournal account, but as for me, I can only ever hope to know a subset of the facts, and thus could only form opinions based on a careful analysis of what facts I *COULD* find, coupled with a reasoned discernment of the collection of information so as to noodle out what actually is a fact, what is fiction, and what remains as opinions borne from a different view.

4) How can I get paid for doing what I love?

Hm.... well, do what you love, first. Then, drive a market need for what that is. I'm lucky, since what I love doing *IS* my job!

5) Who are my most inspiring role models?

Since I've been in academia in some fashion for 22 years, I have to pick a professor. That prof is Dr. Bob Harbort, who is brilliant, has a fast mind, and reads with precision at a speed I just can't hope to attain. These skills and talents make him a great educator, and a force of nature when the students he serves need his help. If I ever become 10% of who he is, I'd be better than I think I is possible for me.

6) How can I best be of service to others?

First step - serve others. That's really the hardest part. I've been in a family that really preaches that ideal, so it's kinda natural. However, I'm also capable of some serious selfishness without thinking about it, since I never really learned to make distinctions. You just do what's right, and sometimes that's something for yourself, and sometimes it's something for another. I have a HELL of a time spending money on myself, though... still working on that one. I'm more inclined to "encourage young things to grow", to quote Dolly Levi. This is why a wife comes in handy -- she recognizes when your clothes need to be replaced, among other things.

The most important thing to remember in service, though, is this -- Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to leave them alone, or allow them to do for themselves even if they are destined for failure. Experience is a better teacher than any lecture.

7) What is my heart's deepest desire?

To rest warmly in the arms of another, and feel them breathe.

World peace is lovely, but internal peace comes first. This is that selfishness I mentioned last section, I think.

8) How am I perceived by: my closest friend, my worst enemy, my boss, my children, my co-worker, spouse/lover, etc.?

This is hard to answer, since I'm not any of those people, and asking them how they see me would be weird. But, I have some ideas, so let's see how it goes...

BFF: "Candleman?" Talks too much. Now, go away.

Wife (and other BFF): I'm really trying to outlive him, so that he dies knowing he was loved his entire life. And, so I can spend his retirement money on art supplies without getting grief for doing it. I like his kilts, and his hair, which he grew out because I thought it'd look nice.

Kids: Daddy is weird, and sometimes my friends laugh at how long his hair is and how he dresses. And, he's not fair! He makes us clean up our messes, and eat vegetables, and not hit each other! He also doesn't like to watch as much Pokemon as we do, and instead puts on science shows or the news. Yuck! But, he does bring home drinks from work for us, and he is fun to climb on.....

Enemy: He's someone that can't tell what common courtesies are, and he argues the most pedantic things. He says he has no social skills, but nobody could get this far without them, despite his protestations, so I'll judge him accordinly as a complete lout.

Boss: He knows his stuff. He's gotten a superior rating the past two years as a result. Tact is not his strong suit, but sometimes that's a good thing in the right meetings.

Coworker: Oh, he knows how to cook, makes good tea in the morning, and is a good person to work with! Just as long as he sends his reports and emails through me to be cleaned up first, so we don't offend our ENTIRE customer base. He's also a source of pain for me, since he tends to think out solutions without figuring out the steps first, thus making my work harder as I try to follow along. Making him document his designs is like pulling teeth, but when done, he's got solid plans.

etc: er... that'd be the rest of you. So, what do *YOU* think of me? NO judgements on this side, so have at.

9) What are the blessings of my life?

My wife, my BFF, my jobs, and my luck in landing in the right places at the right times. When people take umberage at the phrase "the less fortunate", I really understand what they mean, since I'm in the "fortunate", and I owe almost everything I have to luck and the talent to make the most of those opportunities.

10) What legacy would I like to leave?

Oh, if I had my way, I'd end up leaving behind a philanthropic trust to give away money to people for the rest of time. Alas, I keep not having quite THAT much around to set up such a thing. So... failing that.....

Through my kids, I'd like to leave the world a better place than when I arrived. That's the best anyone can hope for.

Now, it's your turn. These questions make you think, and that's a good thing. I got this from