I can't be a father! I'm not that old!

[dwivian]

Post prompts gleaned from this poll. Feel free to ask something if you haven't.

So. Yeah. I have kids.

I got one for free with my wife and two box tops almost ten years ago. The other two came along later so that the eldest had plenty of chores to do, and so that she could learn patience. She's doing pretty well with one of those two learning opportunities.

In our house, da elf gets to be the nurturing, caring parent. This means that if anything happens, she's the one that the children run to for support, to get their hugs and kisses, etc. And, by anything, I mean the full range of broken bones down to the settling of dust in the upper hallway. I get to be the diciplinarian. That means I get to yell the famous phrase, "DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!" and the elf has learned, "Wait unti your father gets home!"

As a result, I get very little in the way of hugs and affection, unless I happen to have cheese crackers sitting by my chair. Not that the kids are afraid, but I'm just not their first choice. If I call them over, they'll sit, laugh, read my computer or watch TV, steal my crackers, etc. It's cool, but some times I wish I wasn't always the bad cop. Alas, that's the way it fell in our house, so I suffer in silence and the occasional angstly LJ post.

I've discovered, though, that by being the "heavy" I have to get creative. It is no surprise that switches, belts, paddles, time out corners, restrictions, etc, all have the same theme -- "something undesirable". Parents that never spank their children cause just as much emotional and psychological harm with other punishments, because that is exactly what punishments are supposed to do. The trick is trying to balance the punishment with the crime. Otherwise you end up with the negiotiator who determines that she can steal more candy than she's going to lose, and plans accordingly.

I've tried positive punishment, negative reinforcement, and the threat of duct-taping her to the wall, and I still watch the wheels spin as she works out exactly how bad it will be for her if she does what she wants. She knows I won't do anything REALLY bad, but she's willing to rationalize other things like no toys, no friends over, no birthday parties, etc, if she gets her short-term goal. It's a struggle, but she's not old enough yet to leave behind while OTHER people get the good stuff. So, if she has to refrain from a night out, that means a night in for me and da elf.

So, obviously, the best lesson is the one the eldest is learning with us, and that is my best advice of all to any parent: Learn patience. For the next two decades (at least) you'll be called on to sacrifice what you want so that you can help form a better future. Make the most of it, and don't forget to allow for time to get dirty. It's worth the effort.

Comments

been there done that

[your-mother.livejournal.com]

good luck until you find something that really matters like the car or a computer you remember. But also remember the son quickly figured out to do what we wanted and then get the "toy" back.

[xliquid-dreamsx.livejournal.com]

I got one for free with my wife and two box tops almost ten years ago.

HA! That's cute. =)

[(Anonymous)]

Welcome to the club. You might not have been that old before you became a father, but fatherhood has many side effects.

We have a similar, yet different, situation in our house, and we have only one child. Mama is always first choice here, too. She also tends to be the less lenient, but she doesn't always have the physical presence to be the enforcer. I believe in cutting children slack. Probably too much. But I have the physical presence to be an enforcer when necessary. I hope things calm down before that changes.

Management would have been so much easier for me if I'd had children first. Management and parenthood are just different covers of the same song. I look at some of my parenting mistakes and can remember times I made the exact same mistakes as a manager.

A very wise man of our mutual acquaintance was my most respected mentor in management, among other things. He explained to me once that it wasn't my job to punish, only to provide consequences. I have found this to be true of child-rearing as well. Parenthood is a process which has to evolve, but the principle is sound.

My grandmother also says that a lady knows when to keep her hands clean and when to get them dirty. I dare say that applies to good parents, too.

Brendan

[football-swan.livejournal.com]

Birth control in word form. Excellent. No co-pay, no drug card required.

[dwivian]

Three -- two girls, one boy.